The World According To Mak

Healing

2011-02-07T20:52:00.001-08:00

It is a huge leap of Faith to step out, let go of what's familiar, and trust that God will provide for you. It's easier to hold on to what you know, even if it means being in pain. Sometimes, pain is easier than change. Healing changes us, transforms us. Healing means giving up a part of yourself in order to become more whole. That's why healing is so difficult; it's an adventure. Healing is letting go of what's safe, letting go of a part of yourself in order to make room for something beautiful.

I Will Make You Mine

2010-11-18T17:30:00.001-08:00

My newest song. =) I wrote it a while ago, but hadn't posted it yet.

Give your worries up to me
Just lay them down and you'll be free
And with your burdens at my feet
I will make you mine

And when your teardrops fall like rain
And all the colors start to fade
When you can't see beyond this life
I will make you mine

Give your worries up to me
Can't you see
My child
You are mine

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Oh my Lord I long to see
This life You have in store for me
And though I've failed you countless times
I will make You mine

I've been a fool I've gone astray
I get caught up day to day
But now I see beyond this life
And I will make You mine

I have failed You
Countless times
But now I find
I am Yours and You are mine

The Raindrops Cry

2009-10-03T09:03:00.001-07:00

It’s so hard to witness
Your life fall apart
So hard watching
With nothing to do

So hard standing
While you fall down
And I And I

Oh I’ll be here
For you if you need me
I’ll be here
Through the rain and snow
And I’ll be here
Through the storms and tempests
As I watch the raindrops cry

Instrumental

Your peaceful strength
Has me amazed
You give up your burden
You trust and obey

You stand here ready
For everything to come

‘Cause even the trees fall down
Broken and weak
They crash to the ground

And even the ocean roars
Tumbling and crashing it screams aloud

And even the raindrops cry
Yes even the raindrops cry

Oral Surgery (AKA Torture)

2009-09-14T20:25:00.001-07:00

So, today I had a lovely surgery done on my mouth. I had what are called impacted canine teeth, which means that the adult teeth hadn't been able to push out the baby teeth, so they were just hanging out in the roof of my mouth. So, what they had to do was pull my baby teeth, wiggle and yank on my adult teeth, attach a bracket, attach a chain to the bracket that will later attach to my braces, and then sew me up. FUN!!!

I had a few options as far as anesthesia goes. I could do just the local anesthetic, or do that with laughing gas, or an IV with some other sedative that would put me to sleep. I chose the laughing gas and local. MISTAKE.

First of all, the laughing gas took FOREVER to even affect me a little, and it still didn't really do much. And then, the other anesthetic kept wearing off during the surgery. It almost hurt more to get the injections in the roof of my mouth than the actual surgery, so I tried to tough it out for a little bit, but then said "ow," and they re-injected the anesthetic. DOUBLE OW!

I kept thinking they would be done soon. I'd been in there long enough, hadn't I? I started to feel a little panicky. After all, I was strapped onto this chair by the silly gas mask over my nose, with two - sometimes three - people digging and poking my mouth. It felt a bit horror movie-esque.

I kept looking at their gloves, noticing my blood on them. The same blood that kept trickling down my throat uncontrollably.

There is something so claustrophobic about not being able to swallow properly, or control what goes down your throat. And then, of course, the gauze they kept shoving down farther and farther didn't help much.

Finally, I felt it was coming to a close. The injections, prodding and poking, and noisy power drills were finally over, and I could leave and take some Advil. (By this time the pain was really starting to kick in.) But no, there was still more to come. They hadn't stitched me up yet! It was quite uncomfortable ( that's an understatement ) being able to feel the needle going in and out of the roof of my mouth, and then there's that lovely sensation as they pull the suture tight.

But at last, they were done. I could sit up, and finally absorb the traumatic experience I had just gone through. While trying to remain some sense of dignity by staunching the flow of blood and saliva oozing out my mouth.

Ok, question. WHY do dentists always try to have conversations with you at the most inconvenient times? Like when the anesthetic had just kicked in and my upper lip surpassed even Angelina Jolie. Or, when, like I said, blood and saliva are flowing freely from my mouth. They were lovely conversations, and I give props to them for being able to understand me, but still. Why?

I said that not being sedated was a mistake, but it is kind of cool being able to remember everything. Makes for better stories I suppose.

We finally were ready to leave the office, me not wanting to see the inside of that place EVER again. And knowing I will.

As soon as we were out of the presence of strangers, I was able to release the tears that had been building. That was quite a painful ordeal, and left me feeling shaken as well. But, Advil is a beautiful thing, as well as chocolate milk-shakes and top-ramen, and I'm feeling quite lovely now! The inside of my mouth does look pretty nasty, and the bleeding still hasn't really stopped, but I take what I can get. =)

Moral of the story, beauty may be pain, but beautiful teeth is TORTURE.

My House

2009-09-08T21:00:00.000-07:00

My house is so familiar. Full of laughter, tears, and memories accumulated over 10 years, my house is an old friend to come back to after every journey. Every piece of the house is also a piece of me. The walls, stairs, rooms, and yard each hold memories and events precious to who I am, who I used to be, and who I will be. I have been shaped here.

My Greatest Fear

2009-09-08T20:57:00.001-07:00

I am terrified of loosing people I love. Swirling thoughts of pain and images of loss are constantly moving in the back of my head. While I do well during the day to push those thoughts back and live in the moment, at night they can be unstoppable. I lay awake trying to convince myself that many of these fears are unreasonable and unlikely to come to fruition. I tell myself I should trust God to take care of the ones that I love. However, I trust more that He will be with me through whatever misfortune occurs, than I trust that he will prevent misfortune from happening. Therefore, I try to reassure myself that I could have a good life and love God whatever happened, and that He is all I will ever need. While this thought is logical and registers in my brain, my heart and emotions are not convinced.

Happiness =)

2009-09-08T20:45:00.000-07:00

“You choose your attitude.” I have heard this phrase countless times from my youth pastor and mentor, Kevin Brusett. It’s easy to think of the phrase as cliche, words without any relevance. When you actually stop to think about it, though, the words are pretty powerful. They mean that you can choose the way you feel no matter what situation you’re in; you have control over your emotions.

I believe happiness is a choice. Sure, there are situations that are definitely better than others, but when it comes down to it, you choose whether you’re happy or not. Only I have the power to choose this for myself, and only you have the power to choose it for yourself.

Have you ever noticed you hear a lot of stories about happy people who have nothing? They don’t have comfortable situations in life, and yet they still choose to be happy. Key phrase - they choose it. They don’t create it, or even find it. They choose it.

Imagine how much more powerful happiness would be if we thought of it as a lifestyle, similar to choosing a political party or religion. When we take happiness out of the category of emotions and “feelings,” it’s much easier to choose. It becomes a realistic, concrete way of living. If we think of it as a lifestyle, we no longer expect to get a good feeling every time we choose to be happy. That feeling will come sometimes, but it’s not the only result of happiness.

So, you might ask, what is another result of happiness? I would answer, a more fulfilled and meaningful life. Think of all the time in your life you’ve spent by feeling sad. I’m not talking about the sadness that comes from divorce, death, or crime. I’m talking about those days where we say “I just feel down today.” Remember what those days were like. Those days, at least for me, tend to be my least productive, least fun, and most wasted days in my life.

Now imagine those days given back to you to do over. Would you choose to be happy? To put grumpy thoughts from your mind and move on with the day? I would. At least, I would try. See, happiness may be a choice, but it’s a hard one. We’re always going to have those “down” days. It’s natural. However, we can choose to have less of them, by choosing happiness.

It's Saturday Today...

2009-08-08T08:54:00.000-07:00

It's Saturday today, and I find myself thinking about spirituality and Jesus.

Lately I feel I've been growing a lot spiritually. I just finished reading the book of Mark, and guess what? I learned I ACTUALLY LIKE THE BIBLE. Who new? I just never really gave it a chance. Or if I did, I soon lost interest or the discipline to keep reading.

But this time is different. I feel myself drawing nearer and nearer to God with each new revelation about his kindness and mercy. I especially enjoy reading about Jesus. To think of the huge sacrifice he made for us, and the entirely service oriented life he lived just astounds me. All for us! It blows my mind.

I don't really have any deep words today. Not yet anyway. ;)

Just thoughts on a Saturday morning...

5-28-09 Thursday, Day 29 - Bozeman - Home

2009-07-22T10:25:00.000-07:00

Wow! We're going home today! I'm goig to sleep in my own bed tonight. That's so weird!

This morning we got to sleep in again. We were staying in the gym of Mt. Ellis Academy, where Kevin went to school.

Today is supposed to be about a 14 hour drive. Right now we're having an hour of silence, but with media allowed. After that's over, we're going to stop at Starbucks. Yay!

I'm excited to be going home today, and yet also kinda sad. After graduation, some people are laving Heartlife forever. But I'd rather not think about that right now...

This trip has been such a good experience. I can't believe it's over. I've had so much fun getting to know people, and seeing so many amazing things. I hope next year's trip will turn out just as good!

5-27-09 Wednesday, Day 28 - Yellowstone - Bozeman

2009-07-22T10:22:00.000-07:00

Yellowstone is awesome! We saw tons of Elk, Bison, Buffalo, and even a bear! The geysers were really cool as well. We learned that they are full of bacteria, and that if you fall in one, and the heat doesn't kill you, the bacteria will a few days later. Because we make antibiotics for our 98.6 degree bodies, we don't have anything to get rid of bacteria that grows in scalding hot water.

After Yellowstone, we ate at Jr.'s grandma's restaurant. She made a ton of hamburgers, and some salmon and veggie burgers as well.

Today was a good day! =)

5-26-09 Tuesday, Day 27 - Sioux Falls - Yellowstone

2009-07-22T10:19:00.000-07:00

Another driving day! Surprise!

We left the motel around 6:30, headed for Mt. Rushmore, then Yellowstone. We also stopped at Wall Drug, which I had never heard of before. Apparently it's the largest drug store int eh world. (Or something like that.)

Mt. Rushmore was beautiful! We stopped there and made lunch - chicken, rice, and broccoli prepared by us high-schoolers - and then, after taking a scenic walk, attempted to draw or paint Mt. Rushmore. I started over so many times I ended up with just the shape of George Washington's head!

Tonight we're supposed to get in around midnight, which will be quite interesting...

5-25-09 Monday, Day 26 - Chicago - South Dakota

2009-07-22T10:17:00.000-07:00

Another driving day, although this one was much more manageable. We decided to stay at a Motel 6 rather than a church basement we had planned on, because the Motel was closer to where we wanted to be.

We pulled in to the Motel in Sioux Falls around 9:00, with plenty of time to make dinner and get to bed. Kevin told me not to hep, because I've been doing a lot of work, so I got to spend some time with my parents. They were going to make a trip to a nearby Walgreens, and I got permission to go with them. At the last minute, we arranged for Matthias to come, too.

It was cool to have us all hanging out, and afterward my parents took up to Taco Bell! =)

5-24-09 Sunday, Day 25 - Toronto - Chicago

2009-07-22T10:15:00.000-07:00

The long driving days are here again. We left the hotel this morning around 10:30, when originally we planned to leave at 9:00. The drive was supposed to be 8 or 9 hours, but with bathroom breaks and stopping to eat, it ended up being more towards 11 or 12 hours.

Tonight we're staying at the same place we stayed in Chicago last time, Bloomingdale Church.
Hopefully we'll all sleep well!

5-23-09 Saturday, Day 24 - Toronto

2009-07-22T10:12:00.000-07:00

Today we went to Niagara Falls! It was so incredibly huge and beautiful. We took what's called a Maid of the Mist tour, which is a boat ride that goes super close to the bottom of the falls. We were each given a bright blue, plastic rain poncho, and they were definitely needed. The mist from the falls was more like rain than mist.

We also split up in pairs to go paint. I went with Tessa, and painted a bridge right by the falls. After that, Kevin bought us dinner at Mama Mia's. It was so nice to not have to cook!

We got back to the hotel pretty late, and some of us needed to do laundry. I ended up staying up til 1:30 am just to get my laundry done!

5-22-09 Friday, Day 23 - Toronto

2009-07-22T10:10:00.001-07:00

Today we went to an amusement park called Wonderland. It had a TON of big roller-coasters!

I was in a group with Tessa, Matthias, Ethan M., Bodie, and Brendan. My parents and Jack also hung out with us, which was really fun.

I'm pretty sure our favorite ride was a huge roller-coaster called Behemoth. It went up over 200 feet, and dropped at 80 mph at a 75 degree angle. It was awesome!

My group ended up being late to get back to the bus, because we waited in a super long line for Dairy Queen. =)

5-21-09 Thursday, Day 22 - Quebec - Toronto

2009-07-22T10:06:00.000-07:00

Today we left Quebec and headed for Toronto. It's about a 9 hour drive, which gives plenty of time to do homework. Tomorrow the people who don't have their homework done can't go to the largest amusement park in Canada, so I definitely want to get it all done!

We stopped at a gorgeous rest stop along the St. Lawrence River. It was more of a beach-side park, actually, complete with paintball field, swimming dock, and (empty right now) an ice rink.

There were these little channels that flowed in between cute little houses. It looked like a cleaner, emptier version of Venice.

We pulled into the hotel around 8:30 or so. After unloading the trailer, we made dinner in a small kitchen area they have here. (This hotel is actually on the campus of a college.)

I'm looking forward to the theme park tomorrow!

5-20-09 Wednesday, Day 21 - Quebec

2009-07-22T10:04:00.001-07:00

Woo hoo! Today we went to an awesome chocolate museum/store, and a HUGE mall! We also went to a beautiful and giant waterfall. We climbed up these stairs, and then hiked a trail that led to a bridge directly over the waterfall.

I didn't buy anything at the mall. I really wanted to, but I'm running low on money, even though my mom gave me some.

I'm realizing I spend a lot of money on other people. I haven't bought that much stuff for myself. My mom gave me $20 more, making me promise to only spend it on me. I love her! =)

5-19-09 Tuesday, Day 20 - Quebec

2009-07-22T10:01:00.000-07:00

Today we split into groups and explored Old Town, Quebec. I love the beautiful, quaint village atmosphere.

Poor Skyler was the only guy in our group, so he got dragged around into all sorts of clothing and accessory stores. He must be used to it with Karly, because he was a really good sport about it.

We also went into a beautiful Catholic church. I bought and lit a candle for my great grandma, and my friend Kevin, both of whom passed this last year. I really felt it was a meaningful thing to do.

5-18-09 Monday, Day 19 - Boston - Quebec

2009-07-22T09:57:00.000-07:00

Today we left for Quebec! I wonder how speaking French will go. Another exiting thing is that my parents and Jack come tonight!! I'm looking forward to that, but at the same time I'm nervous.

I'm somewhat worried that my parents won't think I'm doing well. What I mean is I'm worried that they will think I"m not living up to what they expect from me. What Kevin and my parents expect from me is so different; I think it will be hard to live up to both.

With all these worries, I do still know it will turn out good! =)

5-17-09 Sunday, Day 18 - Boston

2009-07-22T09:50:00.000-07:00

Today we have the option of going with the adults around Boston, or staying at the school and doing homework. Most of us chose to stay and do homework. It feels great to be all caught up finally.

Right now, the school is making up an extra snow day from 9-1. They're all in the gym, which is where we are staying. So at the moment, we're all sitting in two classrooms. I'm in one with a TV, and the movie Holes is playing.

It feels great to have some relaxing days. Even still, we're all pretty tired.

I'm so glad the trip improved so much. I was really worried for a while. There are still some hard times, but they're much easier to handle now that there's so much good.

I'm excited for my parents and Jack to some tomorrow. I miss Jack so much! I talked to him last night; he's sooo adorable!

I'm looking forward to giving them all their presents. They're not that thrilling, but I think my family will appreciate them. =)

5-16-09 Saturday Day 17 - Boston

2009-05-17T07:47:00.000-07:00

Today was a tiring, but good day. We walked the Freedom Trail. We were so tired that it was hard to be interested in what we were seeing.

I thought the Old North church was beautiful. At one point, my group - all the high-schoolers - stopped at Starbucks. In the courtyard outside, there was this loud techno music playing, and people dancing. Brendan and Matthias joked that it was an Apocalyptic Rave, and they were offering human sacrifices. I kinda doubt that... =)

It was nice to get back and rest that night. I think tomorrow we're going to stay and work on homework.

5-15-09 Friday Day 16 - Boston

2009-05-17T07:43:00.000-07:00

Today was a very relaxing day. We ended up not doing any sightseeing, which was fine with me.

We went to the Y to take showers, and then did laundry at a laundromat. That was good, because pretty much my whole suitcase was full of dirty laundry.

We also ate pizza at a nearby place. It was pretty good, but also very greasy; so greasy, it kinda felt like drinking it. =p

Later, we went to Costco to do food shopping in our new groups - high school-ers in one, 8th graders in another, and 6th and 7th graders in the other.

Today was a good, relaxing day!! =)

5-14-09 Thursday Day 15 - New York - Boston

2009-05-17T07:41:00.000-07:00

Today we left New York. =( I'm excited for what's coming, but sad to leave New York behind.

We drove through Old Sturbridge Village on our way. Honestly, I wasn't that thrilled about it when we drove up, but it ended up being really cool.

The village was very beautiful, and reminded me of the movie The Village. I bought a few things for my dad and Jack there in the gift shop. I can't wait to see them on Monday!!

Peace in the Chaos

2009-05-13T07:39:00.000-07:00

I wrote this poem while sitting in the windowsill of our 11th floor hotel room, in Queens, New York.

Find peace in the chaos
In the loud, busy city

Find rest in the noise
Of the city that never sleeps

As the sun glistens
Off cars and tall buildings

Find peace in your own mind
Become one with your surroundings

5-13-09 Wednesday Day 14 - New York

2009-05-13T07:37:00.000-07:00

Still loving it here! Not sure I'd want to live here - at least not forever - but it is a seriously cool city.

Right now, I'm sitting in the window seat of our hotel room, on the 11th floor. The window is slightly open, and I'm listening to the sounds of a busy city.

It seems like everybody's got a place to be here, something to do. It's no wonder they call it the city that never sleeps.

I'm sad that we're leaving tomorrow. I'm excited for Boston, but I'll miss it here.

I'm really looking forward to another attempt to graffiti that wall tonight! It will be sad though, to, because Paul left this morning. Kristie, A.C., Matthias, and I will take plenty of pictures, though. =]

5-12-09 Tuesday Day 13 - New York

2009-05-13T07:33:00.000-07:00

I still just LOVE New York! Today there was confusion with groups, as some adults didn't want to split up. A.C., Matthias, and I went with Paul, J.J., Ally, Caden, and Tienna, to help look out for the younger kids.

Because we were helpful, and ended up going to places like American Girl, Build A Bear, and M & M's World, Kevin gave us a special privilege.

There's this giant building, where the owner lets people do graffiti. It's the only legal place in New York. Paul suggested painting something, and of course A.C., Matthias, and I wanted to. Kristie Walter also wanted to come. Kevin gave us permission, as long as we checked that it was legal, and took pictures.

So, late at night, Paul, Kristie, Matthias, A.C., and I were driving around New York, looking for this building.

But... we asked a cop, and it turns out you have to get the owner's permission first. So, we're going to try again tomorrow. It was still a fun adventure!!

5-11-09 Monday Day 12 - New York

2009-05-12T14:27:00.000-07:00

I <3 New York!! Today I was in a group with Tessa, Bodie, Sam, Matthias, and Nathan. Justin and Shannon were our adults, and Ally came along as well.

Kevin gave us $100 to spend on educational experiences you can't get anywhere else, to spend over the course of the 3 days we'll be here. We spent almost all of ours already. We went to the top of the Rockefeller Building, and also saw The Phantom of the Opera!!

I also really enjoyed taking a tour of Central Park in a horse-drawn carriage. Our driver had been a driver for a Sprint commercial, which I thought was cool. He was super nice, and knew a ton about the city.

Today was SUPER fun, and I can't wait until tomorrow!

5-10-09 Sunday Day 11 - D.C. - New York

2009-05-12T14:25:00.000-07:00

Today we're heading to New York!! =]

This morning we had a final tour of the ship - even sleeping on it, we didn't see the whole thing. We then walked to Starbucks, and set off for New York!!

We stopped at Costco, (or is it Cosco?) where the adults did the food shopping this time. We also got to eat pizza there.

Lo is having a really hard time wither her peripheral vertigo; she's super dizzy right now. I hope she gets better soon!!

HAPPY MOTHERS' DAY, MOM!!! <3 <3

5-9-09 Saturday Day 10 - D.C.

2009-05-12T13:39:00.000-07:00

Today we got a tour of the Capitol Building. The tour was rather disappointing, but the building was gorgeous!

After that we went to the Library of Congress. It was also beautiful, but I wish we could have actually seen the books. We then split off into groups to eat lunch at Union Station.

After that we spent an hour in the same groups doing what we wanted to in that area. We then walked down to a grassy area called The Mall, in between the Washington Monument and the Capitol. Some people rested, and some played games. We then rode the metro back to the ship and ate dinner.

Today I was really tired, but it was a REALLY fun day!!

5-8-09 Friday Day 9 - D.C.

2009-05-12T13:37:00.001-07:00

Today we broke off into groups to explore D.C. I was in a group with Bodie, Brendan, Matthias, and Emily. We didn't actually do much; we were so tired, walking a foot felt like a mile.

We went to the Smithsonian Art Institute, which had BEAUTIFUL art. We also went to the Air and Space Museum. The only thing we did there was ride a flight simulator. It was awesome! =]

Then, in the evening, we arrived at the Display Ship Barry, (Berry?) where we'll sleep for the next two nights.

5-7-09 Thursday Day 8 - D.C.

2009-05-12T13:30:00.000-07:00

Yay! Today was a good day! We went to the cemetery where J.F.K. and The Unknown Soldiers are buried. I love the beauty and reverence of graveyards. Some thing they're gloomy and spooky; I think they have a certain haunting, eerie beauty about them.

I'm excited for tomorow. I'm exploring D.C. with Emily, Matthias, Brendan, and Bodie. (And whatever adult chooses to be with us.) I'm happy with the way things are going!!

=]

5-6-09 Wednesday Day 7 - Driving and D.C.

2009-05-07T18:28:00.000-07:00

Today started off badly. Go figure. I feel bad that so many of these posts are negative - we just haven't got into the groove yet.

To be completely honest, I'm ready for this trip to be over. I've had lots of conversations with my parents via phone, and it's really helpful to know that they're supporting me.

Today we're heading to D.C. I have even more homework from Language Arts class I have to get done. I feel like I'm overflowing with stress at the moment. The way things are going feels...unacceptable.

Again, I'm sorry my posts are negative. I'm actually going back and editing the raw, rough, and real stuff from my actual journal as I post it. I do think it's important to document the hard times, as well as the good. I'm confident there will be happier posts coming!!

5-5-09 Tuesday Day 6 - Philadelphia

2009-05-07T18:25:00.000-07:00

Today we went exploring Philadelphia! I was in a group with A.C., Katarina, and Blake. Justin was our adult for the day.

We went to Independence Hall, the Liberty Bell, and the Cemetery where Benjamin Franklin is buried. We also say many historical buildings; I took a lot of awesome pictures!

I thought we had had a really good day; then the evening hit. It was a really rough evening, and I'm in the process of recovering. A few people ended up actually going to the hospital; one girl was having horrible stomach pain. She's fine, but we wanted to make sure it wasn't something serious.

I'm looking forward to some better sleep tomorrow night!

5-4-09 Monday Day 5 - Driving

2009-05-07T18:23:00.000-07:00

It's amazing what a few solid hours of sleep can do! I'm still exhausted, especially after leaving at five, but I'm much more rested than I was yesterday.

This morning we drove through Chicago during the sunrise. It was SO BEAUTIFUL! I was glad I was able to stay awake for that.

Right now we're driving through Indiana. We just stopped to make breakfast, and we're currently having an hour of homework time.

It's a gorgeous day today!! The sky is blue, and the sun is out finally. Yay sun!

5-3-09 Sunday Day 4 - Chicago

2009-05-07T18:20:00.000-07:00

The days are getting steadily longer and harder. There's increasing stress and tension as we get more and more sleep deprived.

We finally did something other than drive today, which was awesome. =] We played Ultimate Frisbee with a youth group of the church we're staying at. They didn't play very well, and 98% of the girls on their team stood around talking about boys, but it was still really fun.

Now we're going to have Character Class and I have a feeling it will be hard and emotional. Wish us luck!!

5-2-09 Saturday Day 3 - Driving

2009-05-07T18:18:00.001-07:00

I am VERY tired today. I have more homework to get done before we arrive in Chicago, but I really need to get some rest. I'm trying hard not to get grumpy, but anyone who knows me knows this is a bit of a struggle... =]

We stopped at Taco Bell last night. I'm not generally a huge fan, but it was spectacular to eat anything we didn't cook!

This morning we ate at some family of Lo and Claire's. They made a quiche thing with coffee cake and orange juice. It was delicious!

Now we're driving and having a discussion about things that are important to us. I think I'll go take part in that.

5-1-09 Friday Day 2 - Driving

2009-05-07T18:16:00.000-07:00

So far today has been going pretty well. I have a sore throat - of course - and feel a bit feverish as well. I've been struggling some with the way leadership is working out. It's rather stressful, but I know it will improve as time goes on.

Today's been more difficult, but I know tomorrow will be better!

4-30-09 Thursday - Day 1 - Taking Off!

2009-05-07T18:12:00.000-07:00

Yay! Today finally came. I will miss my family, though. I did cry a bit this morning. I wasn't as emotional leaving last year.

We're driving through the Gorge right now. I love the beautiful sights out the window! We should just hang out in Oregon today, it's plenty gorgeous!

So far, today has been going well. I'm pretty tired, but there's plenty of time to sleep on the bus. I'm actually riding in the smaller van today. I struggle with getting claustrophobic with so many people in the huge bus. At the nest stop we have to get some Language Arts homework from the bus.

Looking forward to the days to come!! I'll keep you all posted! =]

I'm Going On A Road Trip!!

2009-04-28T13:51:00.000-07:00

The home-school co-op I attend, Heartlife Imagineering is going on a month long Road Trip! We leave in two days, and the fact that we actually ARE LEAVING is finally sinking in.

I am expecting to have an awesome and exciting learning experience! I am fully prepared for it to be hard, just as last year's was. I also know that I will come out of the trip closer to people I wouldn't necessarily expect to be close to. Through all the growth that will take place, I am also expecting to have fun.

I admit I am a bit nervous; there are so many people going, it can easily get stressful and chaotic. However, I know that it will end up being a good opportunity to learn to deal with rough situations in a "best self" kind of way, while having a great time. I am definitely looking forward to the trip!

Nothing Is What It Seems

2009-03-11T16:30:00.001-07:00

So
Many thoughts
None of them helpful
To what I’m trying to do

So
Many feelings
None of them clear
I’m tired of being confused

So
Many bad things
So many good

I don’t
Understand
What it means

The world’s
Overflowing
With contradictions

Nothing
Is what it seems

Secrets Of The Night

2009-03-09T17:57:00.000-07:00

A cool breeze on my cheek
A soft whisper in the night

I sit in perfect quietude
And wish with all my might

The night is my companion
As my dreams wander afar

I am no longer frightened as
I whisper secrets to the stars

For the stars they tell no secrets
Though they know them all

They just sit and watch the world go by
‘Til it’s their turn to fall

When it’s my time to leave this world
I can only hope I might

Join the twinkling chorus up high
And hear the secrets of the night

Don't Be Too Early

2009-03-09T10:52:00.001-07:00

Early to bed
And early to rise

May put the glow of ambition
Into your eyes

But early to judge
And early to hate

And you might as well
Have slept in late

My Own Best Friend

2009-03-09T10:39:00.001-07:00

I must learn to love myself
And be my own best friend

To appreciate and value me
Until the very end

For self loathing is destructive
And causes only pain

While self love is the key
To never-ending gain

For if I cannot love myself
How can I love another?

And if I cannot love another
How can another love me?

I Cannot Hear You

2009-03-09T10:38:00.001-07:00

Jesus
Do you love me?

Forgive me for
Doubting Thee

But I have trouble seeing
Why you would ever love me

Savior
Do you hear me?

Though I
Know you do

I cannot help but wonder
For I cannot hear you

Random Thought...

2009-03-08T20:48:00.000-07:00

Advice and second opinions are rarely sought with integrity; they are usually turned down until the one person who agrees with us is pronounced a genius.

Eyes

2009-03-08T18:35:00.001-07:00

Eyes full of stories
Staring straight at mine

Eyes full of light
Look deep into my soul

Eyes full of hope
Brighten my darker days

Eyes full of beauty
Glass orbs of all I need

Eyes full of love
Reserved only for me

Blank Pages

2009-02-23T17:23:00.000-08:00

Blank pages staring up at you
An emptiness brimming with possibility

Unspoken thoughts fighting to break loose
Wrestling with undiscovered ability

Unwritten words rising before you
Rich with potential eloquence

You pick up your pen and write
Conquering inspiration's absence

Word Paintings

2009-02-21T18:31:00.000-08:00

Some do art with paint
Some do art with ink
I prefer to do my art
With the complex medium of words

Let me weave an image for you

Let me use words to capture
The magic of life
That no one can explain

Let me use words to make
You feel the joy, the love, and even the pain

Those things we feel everyday
But rarely do express
Become the pigments which color
These pictures of words I paint

Come experience the power
The weight, the life
Of even the tiniest word

Failure and Success

2009-02-21T17:43:00.000-08:00

I have been tested over and over again
I passed so many times
Only to look back and find
I had failed in the end

But we all have to fail
A time or two
It's what makes success so sweet

To know you have good reason to say
That was hard as hell
But hell wasn't too hard for me

Midnight Storms

2009-02-17T20:23:00.000-08:00

Shadows, violet and deep, skulk up to surround me. A whisper, cold and lonely, tugs at my dampened hair. A light, ethereal in the chaos, illuminates a tree. Then darkness, black and stifling, engulfs the lonesome tree.

I run, my gown dripping, into the darkened night. I scream, my eyes not seeing, a single familiar sight. I fall, my hands are bleeding, I cannot find the way. I wish, oh so fervently, for someone to hear my cry.

A hand, strong and sturdy, grasps my shaking arm. Eyes, clear and determined, penetrate my own.

We run, racing nature, to hearth, to home, to light. We fly, soaring above, the confusion and the rain. My heart, just so frightened, is now so full of joy. This moment, just the one, was worth this midnight storm.

The Sun Is Bright

2009-02-17T20:12:00.000-08:00

The sun is bright
The clouds have gone
To haunt another soul

My heart is light
The pain recedes
Leaving nothing to console

Falling

2009-02-17T20:03:00.000-08:00

I wrote this for a Language Arts class a while ago. The assignment was to use long and short sentences to create palpable tension. I know it's rather dark, but I liked it. Here it is:

Aching. Running. I can feel my pulse hammering through my body, hear my thoughts extinguished by the exhaustion that overwhelms my senses.

There it is again. That sound, that terrible sound, worse than anything I’ve ever heard before.

Silence. Crushing, penetrating silence. And then it comes again, that piercing, wrenching scream, tearing me away from everything I’ve ever known.

With a start, I realize that I am the one screaming. I listen, so helplessly listen, and my weight becomes too much of a burden. I fall to the cold, forest floor.

Darkness, blacker than ink surrounds me. I am falling.

Sinner

2009-02-17T19:28:00.000-08:00

I did a certain thing today
That some might call a sin.
But no amount of anything
Could make me undo that
Certain thing I did

If what I've done be called a sin
Then sinner so call me.
If what I've done be called a sin
Then sinner must I be.

For my heart
It leapt with joy
A joy that is so scarce
And I felt as though
The sky itself
Were not too high for me

If what I've done be called a sin
Then sinner shall I be.
If what I've done be called a sin
Then sinner so I be.

-Makenzie Jean

More Than You Think You Can Be

2009-02-06T11:45:00.001-08:00

Life rolls on so quickly
Not glancing back at
The ones it leaves behind

How, then, does it feel
Like I’m moving so slowly
I’m gonna be left behind

Special becomes
Nothing more
Than a word
To describe something so out of reach

You can be
More than you think you can be
Don’t hold back
Just be you

Flowers wilt
Water dries up
The sun sets on us

Beauty is lost
In the sea of disaster
Passion for living is dying

So hold on to me
I won’t let you fall
Don’t give up
On me

You can be
More than you think you can be
Don’t hold back
Just be you

Layers...

2009-02-06T11:43:00.000-08:00

Humanity has the tendency to hide their deepest feelings behind layers of lies, deception, and darkness.

Truth

2008-12-18T08:50:00.000-08:00

Have you ever been going along through life, when suddenly it's brought to your attention how painfully fragile our existence is?

A guy I went to school with from 1st grade to 6th grade recently was killed in an ATV accident on his parents' Christmas tree farm. He had just turned 15.

That'll stop you in your tracks.

I've had a hard time understanding it. Of course, who ever understands death and it's implications on life? Nobody, that's who.

His brother, someone I knew just a little, is on Facebook. He wrote a poem, and tagged Kevin in it. Curious, I checked it out.

It was one of the greatest poems I have ever read.

The thing is, it wasn't a "good" poem. That's what I liked about it. It was raw. It was overflowing with incorrect grammar and punctuation. It was heartfelt, sincere, and completely disjointed. It was no fluff around the edges, no frilly nonsense, hardcore, unabridged truth.

That's why it was so great. It was true.

It didn't matter that most of the words didn't rhyme, or that it wasn't "nice" and "gentle." It was gut wrenching, it had bad language, it was dark. It was amazing.

Death happens. Nobody understands why. Nobody understands why the people who die are no longer here.

Life doesn't last. Only the things we leave behind. Only the truth.

Thought for the day...

2008-12-17T11:31:00.000-08:00

When we believe that God has a unique plan for all of us, we become free to show the world our true selves.
What we believe to be true will shape our thoughts, which gives birth to our actions, which forms our character.
We should surround ourselves with people who care deeply about us, and who will hold us accountable to being our best selves.

Let It Snow!

2008-12-17T11:21:00.000-08:00

Wow...I haven't posted anything in a long time!

I'm loving this weather. It's so cozy. Right now, all my siblings and I are home from school, and neither of my parents are working. I'm sitting by our Christmas tree, listening to KT Tunstall and watching the snow fall...This is what December should be like.

Of course, there are downfalls to the heavy snow we're getting. Not being able to get to work with the economy the way it is isn't the greatest. People can also get hurt while trying to brave the harsh weather.

Right now, though, I think I'll just push that from my mind and enjoy the snow...

Dancing With God

2008-09-30T18:40:00.000-07:00

Lately I've been focusing more on Circle 1 time (time spent alone in community with God.) I've really felt the benefit of this in my daily life. I usually just listen to this one song that has a particular meaning to me, and just say that as a prayer to God. I'll also scroll randomly through my music on my computer, and stop when I feel like I should. Sometimes the song that I land on has meaning at the time, or turns out to be a really spiritual moment.

When I was little, I used to "dance with God." I didn't really call it that, but that's basically what it was. I would just start dancing to music, and completely let go. I remember finding this extremely freeing, and I have great memories of this.

Soon, though this started to be "embarrassing." People would find me, and then want to watch me. This was intimidating, and I soon stopped dancing with God.

Recently, in doing more Circle 1, I've felt the urge to dance again. I mean, I dance still, and sometimes even in front of people. It's just the dancing from my heart that I don't like people seeing.

Last night, I finally got up the guts to. I was alone in my room, and it was late at night. I was about to start listening to the usual song. (Everything, by Lifehouse.)I decided I'd get up and light candles, and sit on the floor. I just felt like I should.

I love candles, and frequently have them burning, so this wasn't very strange feeling to me at all. So, I got on the floor, and started my Circle 1 time. I listened to a few other songs-ones that I felt I should-and then scrolled through to Everything.

When the song came on, at first I just did what I had been doing. But the urge to dance was stronger. Finally, I just went for it. I haven't danced like that in years. It felt great to just let go of myself. Even though nobody could see me, it's a step to being back to where I was.

Goodbye Squirrel

2008-09-29T13:26:00.001-07:00

Have you ever noticed how evil squirrels are? They just sit up in trees and mock us. They really enjoy mocking my dog, Barkley. He's a little Cockapoo, a Cockerspaniel and a Poodle mix. He's pretty small, but he thinks he's bigger than he is.

The squirrels sit in the top of trees and shake their tales, and Barkley will sit there for ever barking. I'm on Barkley's side, even though the barking is annoying.

So, today, it happened again. This time I could clearly see the squirrel from where I was sitting in the dining room.

There was a football on the porch so... I decided I was tired of evil squirrels. I threw the football twice, and hit it both times. It left.

I hope that's not animal abuse. I love animals but...squirrels deserve it. Ask anybody.

Monday

2008-09-29T11:11:00.000-07:00

The Random Thoughts of A Confused Teenager:

Life is confusing. That’s a fact that you are probably quite familiar with, but if not, you should take some time to consider it. I’m sure you’ll find it fits. I think I speak for all teenagers when I say that life seems to be particularly confusing in this stage. You can say we’re just overly dramatic, and have no idea how hard it is to be an adult, and you’re right. We can be way overly dramatic, and we don’t know what it’s like to be an adult. But I think some people just need to be reminded what it’s like to be a teenager.

For instance, the common stereotypes and classifications used on teenagers; some by teenagers, some by adults. The human mind likes to classify things. I have learned this from observing, and just thinking about my own brain. It makes it easier to think about things if they’re all in their own little group. Classifications can be like the closet organizers of our brains. We classify everything. From types of music, animals, shoes, buttons, clothes, hair-types, cars, books, and whatever else you can think of. Everything has it’s own special spot. To me that doesn’t seem to be a problem. When it starts getting messy, though, is when people are thrown into that mix. There are many problems with classifying people. One big problem is that people have so much depth to them. We’re constantly surprising each other, and even ourselves. I think you could live with someone for all your life, and you’d still be surprised by them sometimes. Unless that person is quite boring, and they’re life is compact enough to fit into their mandatory-to-have-at-all-times organizers. But there aren’t too many people like that, so I’ll continue with my point.

So, if people are always changing, how can they fit into just one stereotype? I’ve never known what I would be classified as. Am I a nerd? Prep? Jock? Besides, who are we to tell people who they are? What If Joe, the jock, really loved chess, but everyone told him he was no good at chess, and should stick to football? Why is that their decision? Why is it our decision?

What are we thinking? Why are we still so convinced it’s our job to tell people who they are? Why can’t people just do what they want to do, be who they want to be, and just live their lives?

Because people are control freaks. We all are. Like I said, we like to have everything have it’s own spot, be organized, safe, happy, and complete. But wouldn’t it be safer, happier, and more complete if there was room for growth and change?

I’m reading this amazing book called Velvet Elvis. It’s about the Christian faith, and right now I’m reading about how the doctrines and beliefs often get in the way of the big picture. He’s using this really awesome analogy about a brick wall and a trampoline.

If the doctrines and beliefs of religion get in the way of the actual point of our religion, they’re becoming a wall. A brick wall, where every little piece of information we believe to be true, every little foundation we’ve built up in our minds has it’s own spot. But if one of those bricks moves, or grows, the whole wall comes crashing down. So basically, the carefully built faith was really just a bunch of tools that were in the way.

Whatever your beliefs or religious views are, you probably have some idea of a bigger picture, a larger than just us presence of some sort. You may not. But if you do, you’ll know it’s very hard to understand that presence, God, or whatever you believe. You may have a bunch of beliefs, doctrines, or opinions that help you to understand this larger presence. If we use these beliefs as they’re meant to be used, it becomes more of a trampoline, with these core values and beliefs as the springs, then doesn’t it become easier to jump? We have a somewhat clearer view on what it is that we’re believing in, and we understand it just a bit more. What if these classifications and stereotypes were just the springs to how we think of people? What if we used them as ways to try to understand people, but it wasn’t set in stone, like the wall. Springs move, bend, and expand, just like people. But the person is not the stereotype, just as the trampoline is not the spring. The classification is just an easier way for us to understand people, but it does not define them, does not put prejudices against them. It just helps us understand how they jump.

Sunday

2008-09-28T20:14:00.000-07:00

Sundays are weird to me. I don't know why. They always have this feeling about them, that's hard to explain. They always seem to pass in a dream. Maybe it's because I'm so zoned out doing homework. But even still, they just have this wakeful sleepiness to them. Or a sleepy wakefulness. Choose which one works best for you.